Ready to begin or deepen your meditation practice? Join Dan Harris and world-class meditation teachers on the 10% with Dan Harris app here: https://app.danharris.com/membership --- Most of us were never taught how to handle our emotions — and according to the science, that gap is quietly wrecking our health, relationships, and decision-making. Dr. Marc Brackett is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a professor at Yale School of Medicine, and the author of *Permission to Feel* and the new book *Dealing with Feeling*. He has spent decades researching what it actually takes to regulate emotions — and why almost none of us learned how. In this conversation, Dr. Brackett shares: - Why emotion regulation is the single most important skill we can develop — and what chronic dysregulation does to your health - The difference between emotional intelligence and emotional indulgence (and why critics confuse them) - What "permission to feel" means and why only 15% of people say their own parents gave it to them - The research-backed case for "distant self-talk" — why calling yourself by name when you're spiraling actually works - How to use reappraisal, gratitude, and temporal distancing to interrupt rumination - The "meta moment" technique: a four-step process for becoming your best self even when triggered - Why identity matters for regulation — and how to build a self-concept as someone who can handle their emotions Dr. Brackett also shares his own story of childhood abuse, bullying, and the uncle who changed the course of his life by simply asking how he felt — and actually listening to the answer. --- Subscribe to watch more 10% Happier videos: https://www.youtube.com/tenpercenthappier Follow Dan Harris on Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/danharris/ https://www.tiktok.com/@danbharris https://www.facebook.com/DanHarrisABC https://twitter.com/danbharris https://www.linkedin.com/in/dan-harris-91ba5716b/ --- Timestamps: 0:00:00 Introduction: distant self-talk in action 0:01:00 Why emotion regulation is the most important skill we can develop 0:02:00 The mental health crisis and the emotion education we never got 0:03:00 What emotion regulation actually means — the PRIME framework 0:05:00 The health benefits of regulation (and the costs of dysregulation) 0:07:00 "Permission to feel" as a master regulation strategy 0:08:00 Marc's story: bullying, abuse, and the uncle who changed everything 0:13:00 Why we say "how are you" but don't mean it — and what to do instead 0:15:00 You don't need to fix people's emotions — you just need to be present 0:17:00 Savoring other people's joy: a new form of empathy 0:22:00 How co-regulation and positive emotions are just as important as managing the hard ones 0:25:00 How to upregulate your own positive emotions — and why you need to plan for it 0:31:00 Strategy 1: Quieting the mind — breathing, mindfulness, and why people still won't do it 0:36:00 Why prevention science is unpopular — and why we need to start earlier 0:40:00 Strategy 2: Redirecting your thoughts — cognitive strategies and self-talk 0:43:00 Distant self-talk: using your own name to create space from strong emotions 0:45:00 Temporal distancing and reappraisal — two powerful cognitive tools 0:52:00 Using reappraisal creatively: five ways to see a situation differently 0:54:00 Gratitude as an antidote to envy — and how to practice it without burning out 0:59:00 Identity regulation: seeing yourself as someone who has "got this" 1:05:00 The meta moment: sense, stop, see your best self, strategize, act 1:08:00 Dan does the exercise live: defining your best self as a parent 1:13:00 Why you'll never fully "arrive" — and why that's the point 1:14:00 What we didn't get to: sleep, food, and the biology of regulation 1:16:00 The one strategy that works (spoiler: there isn't one) --- #emotionalintelligence #mentalhealth #psychology --- This episode is sponsored by: **FitBod** — Personalized workout plans that adapt as you improve. Get 25% off or try free for 7 days at https://www.fitbod.me/tenpercent **ZipRecruiter** — Find qualified candidates fast. Try free at https://www.ziprecruiter.com/tenpercent **Gainbridge** — Guaranteed-rate financial products with no hidden fees. Learn more at https://www.gainbridge.com **Henson Shaving** — Aerospace-precision razors with 100 free blades included. Visit https://www.hensonshaving.com/happier or use code HAPPIER at checkout **Wix** — Build a pro-grade website with AI and drag-and-drop tools. Try Wix Harmony at https://www.wix.com/harmony