Ready to begin or deepen your meditation practice? Join Dan Harris and world-class meditation teachers on the 10% with Dan Harris app here: https://app.danharris.com/membership The core problem with being a human is that we need other humans to be happy — and other humans can be a giant pain in the ass. That's the whole thing. That's the balancing act. Today's guest has spent her career giving people specific, practical, therapist-vetted tools for how to do it well. Nedra Glover Tawwab is a therapist and one of the most-followed voices in mental health online, and she's back on the show for her third appearance. Her new book, The Balancing Act, is a follow-up of sorts to her breakout Set Boundaries, Find Peace and her second book Drama Free. It's a practical guide to what it actually takes to be in real relationship with other people — including the ones who are difficult. In this episode: – The "balancing act" — how to need people AND have boundaries, simultaneously – Why the modern temptation is to withdraw (and why it's a trap) – "Local distancing" — a term Nedra coins in real time on the show – The dependency crisis: hyper-independence on one end, enmeshment on the other – Why enmeshment isn't just a family thing — it happens in friendships all the time – Why attachment styles are NOT fixed (in case you took an online quiz) – The problem with getting your mental health advice from listicles – Wise compassion vs. "idiot compassion" — and Adam Grant's research to back it up – "Opposite action" — doing the thing that feels bad because it's actually good for you – Building a village instead of asking one person to be everything – Silent agreements — the ones quietly destroying your relationships – The two-step process for actually asking for help – Are we weaponizing "boundaries" now? A therapist's honest answer – Why too MANY boundaries can be a problem too – "Stop over-considering others" — a strategy for people-pleasers (Dan admits he has the opposite problem) – You can change — you just can't force it on other people – Technology, attention, and the "answer within 5 minutes" expectation – What to actually do if you're lonely and don't know how to make friends Subscribe to watch more 10% Happier videos: https://www.youtube.com/tenpercenthappier Follow Dan Harris on Social Media: https://www.instagram.com/danharris/ https://www.tiktok.com/@danbharris https://www.facebook.com/DanHarrisABC https://twitter.com/danbharris https://www.linkedin.com/in/dan-harris-91ba5716b/ 0:00:00 The "balancing act" — needing others AND setting boundaries 0:04:00 The temptation to withdraw (and why it's a trap) 0:05:00 Local distancing — a term Nedra coins in real time 0:06:00 The dependency crisis: hyper-independence vs. enmeshment 0:11:00 Why attachment styles are NOT fixed 0:17:00 Wise compassion vs. "idiot compassion" 0:21:00 Opposite action — doing what feels bad because it's good for you 0:24:00 Build a village instead of overburdening one person 0:27:00 Silent agreements — the ones quietly destroying your relationships 0:36:00 The two-step process for asking for help 0:44:00 Are we weaponizing "boundaries" now? 0:47:00 Stop over-considering others (Dan's opposite problem) 0:50:00 You can change — you just can't force it on other people 0:59:00 Technology, attention, and the 5-minute reply expectation 1:04:00 What to do if you're lonely #10PercentHappier #NedraTawwab #TheBalancingAct This episode is brought to you by Tonal. Tonal is a smart, at-home strength training system that combines the convenience of a full gym with the guidance of a personal trainer. Real-time coaching cues help you dial in your form, and Tonal automatically sets and adjusts the weight for you as you get stronger. Get $200 off your Tonal purchase with the promo code HAPPIER at https://www.tonal.com. This episode is brought to you by Warby Parker. Warby Parker makes prescription glasses easy and stylish — shop online with their virtual try-on, or visit a store for an eye exam in a clean, modern space. Covered by many major eye insurance plans, with benefits applied automatically. Buy one pair and get 20% off any additional pairs at https://www.warbyparker.com/happier. This episode is brought to you by Skylight. Skylight Calendar is an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs seamlessly with Google Calendar, Apple Calendar, Outlook, and more — giving your whole family customizable daily, weekly, or monthly views in one sleek display. Get $30 off your 15-inch calendar at https://www.myskylight.com/happier.